Saturday, 29 March 2008

How did I get here?

The last few days have been hell. And not for the first time. Only worse!

This morning, after another blazing row my husband suggested I take the children and move out. And although it was hard to hear I think I actually felt a big sense of relief. He said it, not me. He is the bad guy, not me! If the truth's known I think I have been goading him on and off into saying it for years!

And how have I got to this dark and lonely place? What went wrong? It all seems such a muddle, so perhaps I need to look back and try and untangle this mess before I make it worse. But will looking back help me move forward? That I don't know but it can't make it worse - can it?

On the surface of it all my life looks pretty good; a loving husband with a great career; two beautiful intelligent children; good health etc etc. But under this carefully presented facade there is big mix of depression, anger, frustration, confusion, disappointment.....Someone please pass me a Thesaurus!

I was an A grade student who had her whole life neatly planned out. And it did not involve marriage or children, only a successful career, champagne and perhaps the odd lover! So how come the following is true?
  • I have been married for nearly ten years
  • I have 2 children
  • One of my children has severe behavioural issues
  • My husband's career is stagnanting
  • I have been suffering from depression since.......I forget since when!
  • I am so unhappy I was glad my husband suggested I leave him
Have I missed anything? Probably. But at least it's a start!